More about My Journey
It happened a few times after I had my second child, but one extreme Mama-meltdown sticks out in my mind over the others.
I was putting my newborn down for a nap and had to leave my toddler out of the room to do so. I closed the door behind me and went to place my overtired baby down in his rocker. He was exhausted, and so was I. My transition to two kids felt extreme. I didn’t plan for this, and I could have never have seen what came next or how my tough transition manifested inside of me.
Just as my little guy was dozing off, the bedroom door slammed open and there was my toddler, high pitched whining and needing my attention. She wouldn’t let up when asked to give me just a few more moments. She was insistent and now in tears. And now, so was my newborn. In this vulnerable moment for all three of us, something happened to me that set my life moving in a direction that I couldn’t have imagined.
I completely lost my shit.
I didn’t want to lash out at my toddler, it wasn’t her fault that she needed me. I didn’t want to lash out at my newborn. It was not his fault that the conditions for his nap were less than ideal. But I could no longer contain the rage that had built up inside of me. My fists clenched, my jaw was tight and I let out the most heinous scream at the top of my lungs. I felt like I wanted to rip my hair out, but, instead, I punched a wall.
I looked at my toddler and newborn, and all three of us were now screaming and crying. I didn’t like the way I felt. I didn’t want to show up like this. I didn’t want this to be my story of Motherhood.
Throughout the next few months, my kids got older, but my frustrations only seemed to build. I felt bad for myself, for the constant sacrifice I had to make as a Mom. I felt as though my own identity was being sucked down a rabbit hole and Mom life was consuming every part of my being. I didn’t like it. I missed my old self. I missed my freedom. I missed being able to run if I felt like I needed to. But anyone with two young kids will tell you, you just can’t.
The ‘Momness’ of it all was getting to me.
I had come to a crossroads. I could either choose to live my life having constant Mom-meltdowns, or I could make a conscious choice to reconnect with the real me, the actual me, the me that was present pre-Mom life and the me who still circulated during this phase of my being. I needed to do something to better myself so that I could better my home life and my children’s world.
It was here that I choose mindfulness as MY tool for coping with the stresses of Motherhood. I choose Mindfulness as the guide to become a better me so that I could be a better Mom. I choose Mindfulness as my light to be true to my actual self, and not just my Mom self. Mindfulness became my way out of the despair that felt like was closing in around me.
So what does that mean?
My definition of Mindfulness is simple: to be aware of the present moment. To honor feelings that arise, without judgment, and choose to see a miracle instead of a meltdown. And my obsession became real – to focus on myself to become the very best version of ME so I could, in turn, raise the best version of THEM (my kids). I get there with daily meditation, physical movement (a must for me!), and learning to be aware of how I’m feeling, and ways to lift my vibration.
I choose mindfulness because it is a way for me to reconnect with my breath. To honor how I feel, because sometimes I love Mom life, and other times, I don’t. I choose mindfulness because wherever I go and whatever I do, my self-talk comes with me, and ultimately, I am in control.
My journey now is in using tools to guide myself be present during life. My passion is to spread this message of mindfulness to Moms everywhere. My joy is in sharing this gift with others so that you too may learn to deal with the stresses of Motherhood and honor your TRUE self in the process.
I share my stories in solidarity, because I know we all deal with Motherhood in different ways. I open up my heart to you because together, we can bring more love into this world as we raise this next generation. From my home to yours, may there be peace.