How Motherhood drove me to Meditation

This story, my story was originally posted in the NJ Yoga Collective and a really awesome version of it can be found HERE.

It happened a few times after I gave birth to my second child, the oncoming of what I like to call my ‘Mama-meltdowns.’

Do you know the feeling of being so overwhelmed that you just feel like you’ve hit a breaking point and the only thing you can do is scream?

Well, that was me, flailing my feet, screaming ‘I quit,’ and throwing myself out of my bed and on to my couch at 2:30AM.

My new role as a Mama of two had completely taken me by storm. I wasn’t prepared for the intense feelings of sacrifice, loss of identity, and while I was deep in love with my kids, I couldn’t help feeling like I wanted to run away.

After too many moments of feeling this deep sense of overwhelm, I ran into my backyard one day in despair. I felt like I was being sucked down a black-hole of negative emotions….and I was at the point where something had to give.

This was my turning point. In what I now can see was a divine voice of reason, I decided to adapt a practice that completely transformed how I showed up as a Mother, Wife, and Woman.

But first, here’s my truth from that time in my life; I felt really sorry for myself. I hated waking up to Mom life chores such as washing the dishes and changing diapers. I got pulled down into feeling badly for myself for all the sacrifice I was making as a mom. And then something clicked.

I realized that I could make a conscious choice to transform my attitude and how I witnessed my current situation. I WAS IN CONTROL! I decided in this moment of despair, that the problem wasn’t with my surroundings, but that the solution was within me.

I had a quick conversation with myself in my backyard that went something like this:

'Something has got to give. Feeling like shit all the time, feels like shit. How about meditation? Could or would that change anything? I don't have time for that. Well you aren't given any time for yourself at all, so let's change that. Give it a shot, Dena. Try meditation for 5 minutes a day, for 30 days and see if you're any different from it. What can it hurt anyway?'

The very next day, I began just that. I told myself that I would sit in stillness for 5 minutes a day, and never go more than 2 days in a row without sitting in this deliberate stillness. After a few weeks of committing to this practice once my kids went to bed, I began to crave it. This was my scheduled ‘me’ time, and allowed deep reflection and appreciation for my life’s current (and beautiful) status. Furthermore, it gave me the gift of awareness of my thoughts, something I was lacking completely in my day to day goings.

Some days sitting in stillness for 5 minutes felt like an eternity. Other days, it felt like a breeze. But yet I persisted. At the end of 30 days, I noticed a tremendous change within. I was calmer, I was more grateful, and was willing to dive more deeply into myself and let the pressures of Mom life roll of more gently.

Meditation has not made me a perfect mom, let’s be honest, there is no such thing. But it has given me my sense of self and sense of control back, and for that, I am forever grateful.

I know lead Mothers worldwide on a similar journey that I took myself on. You can learn more and join in on our next challenge HERE.

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